A Note to Nick
An Essay by Dr. Daniel
Well, folks, it's finally December. The month matches the mall decorations at last, and like every other red-blooded human, I figured it was high-time I jotted down my wish list to the Jolly Old Elf hisself, Santa Claus. And, since I'm pretty sure St. Nick has a computer, I figured I'd let him read it here when he stops by (which he does at least once a week, I might add.) What, you think Santa doesn't dig movies? C'mon. This guy's got the ultimate home theatre, I'm sure. Imagine the discounts he can cop for buying electronics in bulk. Plus, how else is he gonna keep all them elves occupado? There's a limit to how far you can go with Pictionary and Ker-Plunk, y'know? At any rate, here goes:
Dear Santa Claus,
What's up? V. B. Daniel here. I know you're a fan of the Clinic, so I thought I'd save a stamp and send you my Christmas Wish List here. (Don't try to deny being a fan of the site, either. Nobody else would use the name "Father Christmas" on the Cerebro Cimematico quiz....)
Let's see. First off, I'd like to renew my annual request for the rebirth of the drive-in movie. There are really too few left, and it would be a tragedy to see that wonderful piece of Americana fade away. I don't necessarily need the speakers that hook to the windows, but it would be a nice touch.
While we're on the subject, how 'bout a return of the double feature? If these morons that run these dodecaplexes keep jacking up ticket prices, why not throw in another movie for the price? The second feature doesn't even have to be all that good. They never were before.
I could use another pair of movie shoes. Converse, "Chuck Taylor" All-Stars, high tops, black with white soles. You know, like the ones I always wear to the movies. My last pair got hopelessly stuck to the floor of the local dodecaplex during Branaugh's Hamlet, thanks to a deadly combination of Coca-Cola spill and JuJuBe runoff. I had to cut the sole off the left one with my Swiss Army knife just to make it to the bathroom. I've been wearing last year's models ever since, and the Garden Club ladies are startin' to talk.
I also need a few items for my own home theatre set-up. One denim Doggie Bed on a raised platform, so Orson can see better. I need some upholstery done on my Barcalounger. Do you do that? If not, throw in a new Barcalounger, one without the electrical tape on the head cushion. That stuff pulls a handful of hair out of my head every night, and I can't afford to lose much more back there. Oh, and, if you've got one you're not using, one of them little refrigerators with the cutting board on top, so I can carve up my Hickory Farms Beef Stick without getting aluminum paint mixed into the meat. 'Tis the season for Hickory Farms, y'know.
I'm about caught up on the video collection, but I could use a new set of John Woo tapes, the Hong Kong ones with Chow Yun Fat. Also, my anniversary edition of The Quiet Man is about worn out. Tell you what, look around and see if you can spare a copy of Brian DePalma's Phantom of the Paradise. What a cool movie. I'd love to have a spare one to run in the lobby. And, before I forget, I know Martha Nell won't ask you herself, so I will: She wants a copy of Desk Set, the Tracy-Hepburn movie? She won't buy one herself because she taped it off Channel 10 one night, and I keep telling her that the commercial edits ruin the movie, but she won't listen.
I'm pretty set on equipment, though I could use a new set of woofers on my speakers. I watched Twister and Independence Day back to back one day, and just flat wore them out.
Orson wants me to remind you that his dog house hasn't got a television set in it. I don't know why he'd care. He lives in my living room. The only time he goes out to the dog house is when Carmelita, the cleaning lady, runs the vacuum.
I guess that about covers everything for now, there, Kris, ol' buddy. If any or all of this is out of the question, feel free to substitute a couple of boxes of cigars for the item in question. Tampa Nugget Sweet Tiparillos will work, although, with your connections, I should expect at least a box or two of Cubans, don't you think?
Talk to you later, Nick....
Get reel soon,
Dr. V. B. "Doc" Daniel