A Commentary from Dr. Daniel Post-Oscar Traumatic Syndrome I just spent four hours over at Nurse Martha Nell Burch's house over on Sweetgum Avenue, watching the Oscars on her husband Art's 52-inch Home Theater System. I have to tell you that ol' Art was less than thrilled about Martha Nell hosting the annual Oscar party, mainly 'cause it meant he'd have to watch his college basketball coaches' shows on the black and white portable in the kitchen. Martha Nell put a twelve-pack of Coors in the sink on ice and a Boar's Head salami on a skewer and propped Art up on a barstool. So we didn't see too much of Art. It's a good thing Art was out of pocket, 'cause if he'd seen how many beers I spilled on his Barcalounger, he'd probably be pretty steamed. I couldn't help it though. Every time they announced The English Patient as a winner, I'd have one of those muttering fits like the guy in Shine and start shaking my coozie. Alright, let's bust this thing down to the bone and see how it spun out: Smallest Surprise of the Night -- The English Patient as Best Picture. I woulda been more shocked if my truck keys are still where I put them ten minutes ago. Intermediate Surprise of the Night - Kevin Spacey's impression of Christopher Walken and Letterman's cameo in the opening montage. Classic stuff. Biggest Surprise of the Night - Lauren Bacall losing the Supporting Actress Award to Juliette Binoche. Heck, if anybody but the ever-reliable Kevin Spacey had been reading the card, I'd have thought it was a drunken mistake. (On a similar note, I just read somewhere that Marisa Tomei's first-born child is contracturally bound to be named Jack Palance Tomei.) Prayer Answered - Somebody other than Kristin Scott-Thomas won the Best Actress Award. I just couldn't stand the thought of her stiff upper lip gracing the front page of every newspaper in the land. I mean, she's not unattractive, but that cracked pottery smile has got to go! Moment of Pure Joy - Cuba Gooding, Jr.'s acceptance speech. Moment of Pure Outrage - The dang orchestra cue a mere 20 seconds into Cuba Gooding, Jr.'s acceptance speech. C'mon! The first major award of the night is NOT the time to be cutting back on run time. Cut out some of those god-awful dance numbers and the Price-Waterhouse Love-In, and let us watch our actors strut their stuff. Moment of Pure Revolt - The 857th time I heard "Show me the Oscar" or some hackneyed variant on that ubiquitous theme during the week of pre-hype hogwash on countless preview specials and prediction segments. If I have to see some perky freak dental hygeniest-turned-info anchor spout that phrase again, I think I'll be forced to commit a bloody crime. Technical Fart Patrol - Was it just me, or did the Oscar telecast seem woefully amateurish on the technical side? Missed cues, cameramen crossing into frame, microphones panned to zero during key introductions, ludicrous choreography, random cutaways to pointless shots. I guess the top TV technicians at ABC were busy creating more "Is She or Isn't She?" promos for the highly-anticipated sweeps-week episode of Ellen. (By the way, I say, "YES! She is...boring the crap out of me with that lame ratings stunt. Give it a rest, already!") Unexplained Analogy of the Night - Okay, so "River Dance" is the hottest thing to hit Broadway since "Cats." I'll accept that. But, please someone tell me, "What in tarnation does Irish cloggin' have to do with film editing?!" Guilty Pleasures of the Night - Beavis & Butthead. Chris Farley's wacky glasses. And Jim Carrey venting his mind (and cheeks) for a few random moments. Unsolved Mysteries of the Night - David Spade's lost-bet hairstyle. Tim Robbins' ultra-loud introductions. Kenny Loggins. Fact Finally Proven - If last night didn't prove to the Academy that Billy Crystal needs a long-term contract to host the show, then nothing will. Point of Reference - When did Winona Ryder slip from being incredibly sexy into being Olive Oyl? Trooper of the Night - Singer Celine Dion, who subbed for the flu-ridden Natalie Cole, who was subbing for the ego-ridden Barbra Streisand, on a pretty amazing rendition of the nominated song "I Finally Found Someone." Minor Tragedy of the Night - That Thing You Do, one of '96's most underappreciated movie gems, received only one minor mention, and that was turned into a frighteningly nauseating production number with faulty sound, bad dancing, and frantic pacing. In fact, I think I caught sight of Tom Hanks popping a glycerin pill during the second verse. Please, I urge everyone within the sound of my typing to help repair the damage by renting this movie! You won't be sorry. Well, when all was said and done, the Doc had a pretty good time, trying to outguess the Academy and bonding with my fellow film fans. I've found there's great pleasure in getting riled up (Streisand and The English Patient) and going hog wild (Best Screenplay honors to the Coens and Billy Bob). But I'll tell you this. If I ever get to accept an award onstage, the show producers better send in the Marines to drag my jughead offstage. I'll make Cuba's speech look like a FedEx commercial. Get "reel" soon, Dr. V. B. Daniel See past X-Ray columns: Summer Preview '01 | Academy Awards 2001 | The 5th Annual Loscars | Oscar Noms: Reaction 2001 | Excused from School | Matthau Remembered | Summer Preview 2000 | Academy Awards 2000 | The 4th Annual Loscars | Oscar Noms: Reaction 2000 | 2000 Predictions | Universal Soldiers | Happy Birthday, Hitch | Goodbye, MST3K | Try to Remember | Summer Preview '99 | Curse of the TV Movies | Academy A-snores | The 3rd Annual Loscars | Waiting and Waiting | Gene Siskel Tribute | Now I'm Mad (Oscar Nominations '99) | 1998 Flashback | Remembering Roddy McDowall | Repeating History | The Movie Manifesto | Fall Preview '98 | The Day Eli P. Kingsley Came to Town | Field of Dreams | Lizard Season | Grey April, Dark Hearts | Oscar Reactions '98 | The Greatest Actor You've Never Heard Of | The 2nd Annual Loscars | Oscar Noms | Unsportsmanlike Conduct | 1997: Gone But Not Forgotten | A Note to Nick | The Quaid Curse | Love, Law & Lake Tahoe | Talking Movies | Black & White World | Alternative Medicine: Waiting for Guffman | In Memoriam, Burgess Meredith | Fall Preview '97 | Jimmy Stewart, R.I.P. | The Cowboy Way | A Sporting Chance | In Praise of the VCR | Summer Preview '97 | Alternative Medicine: That Thing You Do! | The Rise and Fall...of Dan Aykroyd | Post-Oscar Traumatic Syndrome | The Loscars | Lost Minds?! | It's Academic! | Remembering Vincent Price | Movie Going Rules | Doctor's Orders

Text Menu