THE MOVIE MANIFESTO A Cinematic Plea for Sanity A Declaration of Truths Concerning Movie Fanatics and The Moviemakers, Theatre Owner/Operators, and Other Moviegoers As written by Dr. V. B. Daniel Item: We, the Legion of Customers that offer hard earned money for the privilege of seeing motion pictures have become The Forgotten in the grand scheme of Entertainment. We have been abused, mistreated, taken for granted, and treated like ninnies for far too long. No longer will we be silent as to our rights, and no longer will we accept your uncaring and unthinking outlook as merely an oversight. Therefore, we offer this document as a guideline for your work and accompanying behavior. Accept it, and no one will get hurt. Deny us these basic rights, and the revolution will follow. Section One - The Moviemakers Item: Do not forcefeed us endless commercial hype for six months to a year, and offer a finished product that is anything less than your best effort. Item: It is no longer acceptable to make a motion picture that cannot be previewed by critics. If you are ashamed of the quality of your effort, fix it before we are asked to wander blindly into it and waste our money. Item: The following devices may no longer be used as substitutes for script pages: slow-motion explosions, high-speed car chases, stuntdouble barfights, machine gun battles where no one gets hit, and gratuitously cloying sex scenes. Item: Rob Schneider is no longer allowed to make motion pictures. Ditto to Pauly Shore, Martin Sheen's relatives, and anyone named Corey. A mandatory year at the Actors' Studio, and then two independent short films, and then this item may be reconsidered, except for Schneider, who will remain banned until such time as we see fit to ask for him by name. Item: There will be no more motion pictures devoted to underground martial arts tournaments; thusly, there will be no need for Jean Claude Van Damme, Karate Kid sequels, amphibious genetic aberrant chopping newts (or whatever....), although we will trade Van Damme for a complete ban on Jeff Speakman. Item: Do not, under any circumstances, devise a publicity campaign that gives away every secret, plot twist, exciting scene, surprise ending, and unexpected cameo. We are not idiots, and we would enjoy finding them out through the course of the film, thank you. Item: There will no longer be any tolerance for non-actors being allowed to make motion pictures as actors. Therefore, Cindy Crawford, the Spice Girls, Pamela Anderson-Lee, Howie Long, Frank Stallone, and all former male gymnasts will be permanently retired as actors. This rule does not apply to professional wrestlers such as Roddy Piper and Jesse Ventura, but does fully apply to Hulk Hogan. It also applies to Steven Seagal, who has yet to act, thus qualifying him as a non-actor. Section Two - The Theatre Owner/Operators Item: You will heretofore accept the fact that we, the moviegoing public, also shop in grocery stores, and know how much popcorn costs. We also know the cost of Coca-Cola, Pepsi-Cola, Snapple, and various bottled water. Furthermore, we definitely know the cost of Goobers, Milk Duds, Sno-Caps, M&M's, Reese's Pieces, and various other candies. Bottom line-- you are robbing us blind, and Snickering all the way to the bank. (Pun intended.) Lower the prices, or quit kvetching when people sneak in candy and drinks. Item: There is absolutely no need for gourmet candy in a movie theatre. This applies to those ridiculous "gourmet candy by the pound" stands right next to the concession stands. You are already charging outrageous prices for candy. Do you need to open the boxes, dump them into plastic tubes, and up the price even further? The Pope is taking notes. Item: There will be a ban placed on that instant brown sludge you sell as "gourmet coffee" and "flavored cappuccino." Unless you grind the beans in the lobby, do not sell it. Item: Do not expect us to leave the theatre before the end credits have ended. There are those of us who enjoy seeing who played some minor role, or the name of the band that did that catchy song, or the guy we knew in school who served as Assistant to the Key Grip. Abruptly stopping the film, closing the curtain, or just slamming the lights up is not only rude, it violates the principle of seeing a movie from beginning to end. Not only that, but on occasion, a clever filmmaker puts a bonus bit of business at the very end of a movie. Item: There are ample opportunities to purchase a relatively new device known as a "mop." It absorbs soapy water, and then distributes said soapy water onto floors made sticky and slimy by spills of carbonated soft drinks, various candy and food items, and other fluids that might have the chance to fall, from whatever origin. Try using them at least twice a day in your theatres. We are tired of ruining shoes, jacket sleeves, purse straps, and other items because you and your crew are too lazy to care about basic cleanliness. Item: The above-mentioned device also does wonders for the restroom facilities in your theatres. Try using said devices in your restrooms at least four times a day. And, hey while you're at it, try shedding a little disinfectant around the place. Nobody should have to get immunized before using a theatre restroom. Item: We do not, repeat, not, need slideshows before our chosen feature begins. We have no respect for them, and surely wouldn't buy a house or get our neck adjusted by someone who'd buy such an ad. You are making more than enough money as it is. Stop groveling for pennies. Item: Under no circumstances should we be forced to look at those mindless little games, so-called fun facts, and stupid "applaud if you're a moron" slides mixed in with the above-mentioned ads. If you wanna offer something for us early arrivals, give us some free snacks. Item: If you are going to use the elaborate stand-ups and promo paraphernalia in your facility, fine. Make sure they work, and, when damaged, remove them from the building and stick them in the back alley dumpster. Do not stick them in places where they will block the natural flow of traffic through your building. Do not keep them up after the movie advertised is playing on Cinemax. Item: Hire people that can do simple mathematics in their heads if they are required to take money and make change as part of their job description. Require basic bathing and simple grooming habits. Item: It is absolutely unacceptable to begin a motion picture without an employee of the theatre being in the projection room to monitor whether the film is in focus, framed properly, and set to an appropriate volume. Do not force a theatre patron to stow their snacks, leave their seat, trudge to the lobby, and flag down somebody to make these adjustments. We're here to relax and experience a movie. We're not here to monitor your bloomin' equipment. Section Three - The Other Moviegoers Item: It is not necessary to walk into a movie theatre as the movie is starting and have the gall to act frustrated that you cannot find a seat. You had ample opportunity to find out what time the showing started, and could have planed accordingly. You get to the airport an hour before your plane departs, don't you? (Well, you're probably the kind who chase planes down tarmacs.) Get to the theatre at least thirty minutes before the showing starts. That should encompass the ticket line, the food line, and finding a seat. Item: Do not kick the back of the seat in front of you without expecting to get splashed with a faceful of Mountain Dew. Kicking the back of the seat in front of you is one of the most obnoxious things to do in a theatre. It should, in turn, be immediately punishable by whatever means necessary. If you are with children who are kicking the seat in front of them, and you do nothing to stop them from doing so, you will incur the punishment, as decreed by the kickee. Item: If you do not have the simple courtesy not to talk through a motion picture, you should not be in a motion picture theatre. You should, however, be locked in a room barefoot, and be forced to walk around for two hours on broken lightbulbs. The intense pain you will feel as you dig those shards of glass out of the soles of your feet should be reminder enough to shut your big, fat mouth next time. Item: It is perfectly natural to sneak food and drinks into a theatre. It is, however, not natural to bring glass bottles into a theatre with the sole purpose of rolling them down the incline. If this is your goal, then stay home and play with a Slinky. Item: There is no need whatsoever to bring children to a movie theatre and dump them in one movie while you, as their parent or guardian, go to another theatre to see a different movie. We did not pay hard-earned money to babysit your bratty kids. We did not pay hard-earned money to have a movie ruined by your bratty kids running up and down the aisles, screaming, crying, and setting off noisy toys. If you leave your children, or others' children, unsupervised in a movie theatre, expect the discipline to be harsher than you ever imagined. Tripping children as they run up and down aisles is an art form unto itself, as is tying them to the arms of their seats with their shoelaces, gagging them with popcorn buckets, and pushing them out of fire exits at the rear of the theatre and pulling the door shut behind them. Item: It is agreed that there is no reason that a newborn baby should not be brought to the theatre if the parents desire to see a movie. If the baby begins to cry for a second or two when it is hungry or upset, it is perfectly understandable that it takes a few seconds to find a bottle or rock the baby back to sleep. If the crying and shrieking continues unabated, though, it is time for a decision to be made and for one parent or the other to take the baby out of the theatre until it is quiet again. New parents can certainly go to movies, but the others paid to see (and hear) a movie. They did not pay to see and hear your child screaming like a banshee in the Irish wind. Item: If your child is under 13 years of age, and he is in an "R"-rated movie, do not for a second pretend to be offended that your child saw and heard whatever "filth," nudity, foul language, sexual content, or graphic violence. Your child should have never been allowed to see the movie in question, and would not have if you had accompanied him or her to the movie. If you drop your kids at a theatre, you sacrifice the right to complain about what they saw. If you had been there, you could have removed your child before whatever "corruption" took place. It's your fault, so shut your yapper. I represent only myself in body, but I speak for those who are too scared to complain. I will no longer live with these violations of our rights as moviegoers. Until such time as these rights are given to us, we will wage this revolution. All I ask is that you treat us with respect, and until you do, there will be unrest. When these rights are returned to us, when you learn to treat us with respect, when you treat us like intelligent human beings, then there will once again be harmony in all of Moviedom. Signed, ------------------------------------------------------------------- (print name) (address) ------------------------------------------------------------------ (city, state, zip) ------------------------------------------------------------------ Get "reel" soon, Doc

Text Menu