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Have You Lost Your Friggin' Minds???I find it hard to believe that these so-called "learned voters" even saw the films they were voting for before handing 'em a nomination. Here, gentle reader, let me state my case. Best Actress They got it right for Fargo's Frances McDormand and Brenda Whatever-Her-Name for Secrets and Lies. But where in tarnation did they dig up Diane Keaton and Kristin Scott Thomas? It's like they had an itch to scratch their lower crack, and while they were down there they pulled out some Oscar nominations. Oh! The English Patient was all syrupy and heart-tugging, like that boring Passage to India or Out of Africa drivel that you Academy twerps love so well. Is that supposed to legitimize her performance? My lord, people! She was as wooden as a hobby horse's winky. Remember, this is the same woman who limped through Four Weddings and a Funeral like she was reading her lines off Hugh Grant's forehead, and let's not forget that she once played footsy with Prince in Under the Cherry Moon, where she made the Purple One look like DeNiro. The only thing she's done since then is get older. And speaking of older, did you have to dig up Diane again? Every time we get her beaten back down into the woodwork, she sports another comeback film, and she's the toast of LaLaLand. C'mon, Marvin's Room is a Disease-of-the-Week picture, and the Good Lord knows we get enough of them on CBS. It's clear that you voters hate Madonna enough to chew her ears off, so she stood no shot. But you waste two of the best performances of the year by ignoring Debbie Reynolds and Courtney Love. And don't think your acknowledgement of Emily Watson's work in Breaking the Waves is gonna make up for it, either. We all know you never saw that film; you just read her name in some Gene Siskel column and jotted it down. Admit it, folks. Best Actor Okay, you slipped your votes toward Tom Cruise, which gives you a bit of redemption, but I think Denzel Washington or Mel Gibson could act circles around Ralph Fiennes. Remember Courage Under Fire and Ransom? And how about John Travolta in Phenomenon and/or Michael? How many more years are you gonna ignore the most riveting superstar of our generation? And while you were on the Indie kick, why would you go out and ignore Ewan McGregor in Trainspotting? I guess, I'll concede that this year there weren't enough slots on the Best Actor ballot. Best Supporting Actor Armin Mueller-Stahl?! Huh? Why didn't you nominate the piano bench while you were at it? At least the bench actually supported Geoffrey Rush every now and then. Mueller-Stahl did his lamppost impression for two hours, and he gets a nomination. Any guy with a European accent will do for you, right? Yeah. Good choice, guys. Bought any $8 watches lately? Well, I knew you wouldn't see clear to smile on Cheech Marin's Tin Cup job, but, if you had to fill out the five, why go with the ever-irritating James Woods? Remember a little guy named Nathan Lane, and how he stole a film called The Birdcage from film-thief Robin Williams. Hell, that deserves a medal of honor, you know? It's like if it doesn't come out in the fall, it don't matter at all. Best Supporting Actress You had to do it, didn't you? Lauren Bacall. You could have at least snuck Debbie or Courtney in the back door here. But NOOOOOOOO! You had to wring out the hankies and hail a legend for an average performance in an awful film, rather than hail a newcomer in a fabulous film. Or a better performance by a legend in a finer-than-fine film. And, oh, yeah. Thanks for dredging up Barbara Hershey again. I thought we had her and Diane in the same cupboard. You go and bail 'em both out. And, just to make things worse, you totally ignore the absolutely captivating Renee Zellweger's work in Jerry Maguire. Oh, yeah. Good work, brainiacs. Next thing we know you'll be sending Demi Moore a lifetime achievement award. Other Oversights Jeez Louise, guys. I'm not even gonna discuss leaving out Larry Flynt on the Best Picture list. Maybe you were just tired of court cases from the riveting reenactments of the O.J. trial on the "E" network. I also plead the Fifth when it comes to the obvious blindsiding of Cameron Crowe in the Best Director category. The Best Original Screenplay nominations were pretty smooth, until you chose to ignore Albert Brooks' Mother. Folks, Albert hasn't written this perfect in years, and you tell him, "Thanks, but no thanks. We don't like clever people in Hollywood. Grab a cab and catch us when you write something epic and weepy." You know what? You people deserve another ten years of mindless one-joke bullpuckey like John Hughes and Chris Columbus keep puking out every quarter. Quit whining about the lack of good writing when you ignore one of the best in the business. Albert Brooks only does one of these every three years or so. Heck, after this, he may NEVER write again. Unless it's a scathing satire of the Oscar nomination process. You ignored a lot of good work in favor of some very average product, folks. These awards are supposed to go to the very best in the business, not to who bought the biggest ads in the trades. Twelve nominations to The English Patient, one of the slowest, most boring pieces of celluloid to dance our way since Barry Lyndon. You ignored some of 1996's most impressive work, from The Birdcage to Evita to Ransom to Mother and beyond. And you made only token flips toward some other tremendous achievements, like the measly three nominations for The People vs. Larry Flynt and a tiny eye-twitch in the general direction of Hamlet. Look. I know that in recent years you've taken a bunch of heat for ignoring the independent filmmakers of the world. But, friends and neighbors, you went way overboard this time out. It's ten years worth of slighting being compensated for in one massive hand-out. I'll admit, I'm thrilled that Fargo, Secrets & Lies and Shine got some attention, but you gotta find a happy medium. Perhaps in the future, you'll learn to vote with your minds and not your fannypacks. This year, things don't bode well for us Oscar-cast viewers. Maybe Barbara Walters' interview show will give us something worthwhile to think about during the subsequent four hours of glad-handing for The English Patient. "Jim Carrey, if you could be any kind of tree, what kind of tree would you be...?"
Dr. V. B. Daniel
Summer Preview '01 | Academy Awards 2001 | The 5th Annual Loscars | Oscar Noms: Reaction 2001 | Excused from School | Matthau Remembered | Summer Preview 2000 | Academy Awards 2000 | The 4th Annual Loscars | Oscar Noms: Reaction 2000 | 2000 Predictions | Universal Soldiers | Happy Birthday, Hitch | Goodbye, MST3K | Try to Remember | Summer Preview '99 | Curse of the TV Movies |
Academy A-snores | The 3rd Annual Loscars | Waiting and Waiting | Gene Siskel Tribute | Now I'm Mad (Oscar Nominations '99) | 1998 Flashback | Remembering Roddy McDowall | Repeating History | The Movie Manifesto | Fall Preview '98 | The Day Eli P. Kingsley Came to Town | Field of Dreams | Lizard Season | Grey April, Dark Hearts | Oscar Reactions '98 | The Greatest Actor You've Never Heard Of | The 2nd Annual Loscars |
Oscar Noms | Unsportsmanlike Conduct |
1997: Gone But Not Forgotten |
A Note to Nick |
The Quaid Curse | Love, Law & Lake Tahoe | Talking Movies |
Black & White World
| Alternative Medicine: Waiting for Guffman | In Memoriam, Burgess Meredith |
Fall Preview '97 | Jimmy Stewart, R.I.P. |
The Cowboy Way | A Sporting Chance | In Praise of the VCR
| Summer Preview '97 | Alternative Medicine: That Thing You Do! |
The Rise and Fall...of Dan Aykroyd |
Post-Oscar Traumatic Syndrome | The Loscars | Lost Minds?! |
It's Academic! | Remembering Vincent Price | Movie Going Rules | Doctor's Orders
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