Dear Dr. Daniel,

What exactly is your problem, anyway? You act like there is no perfect movie out there! No matter what you see, you find some fault in it, some little something that gets under your skin, and you have to gripe about it! Maybe you need to relax and just enjoy the movie.

My husband, Melroy, and I have what we call our Cardinal Rule of Moviegoing. The rule is that, if we read a bad review for a movie, we go see it immediately because you guys are usually wrong. We often find that the bad review is unjust, and we thoroughly enjoy the movie.

Maybe what you need to do is make yourself a rule that, no matter what, you will go into a movie with a positive attitude. Maybe then you would enjoy yourself more and write good reviews, you grumpy little idiot!

DR. DANIEL'S RULES OF MOVIEGOING

1) Never go to a movie with more than one person in tow. It's much too annoying trying to find a film that all seven members of a group agree to see, and you spend valuable "coming attraction" time herding them away from the snack bar. (Inevitably, one of your party is trying to pay for their Good n' Plenty with eight dollars in dimes.) Oh, and try to find seven unoccupied seats in a theatre on opening weekend.

1a) Once you've chosen that person and found a seat in the theatre, TAKE NOTE OF WHERE YOU'RE SITTING. Nothing's more annoying than people who do the old "squint and wander." (Except, maybe the old "squint, wander, and rub.")

2) Never be the first one into a theatre. There is a strange phenomenon in casual moviegoers that will not allow them to break ground in the seating process. If you and your companion are sitting in an otherwise empty theatre, waiting for the film to start, it is a guarantee that the next four or five groups will gravitate towards you and your seatmate. They will sit within three rows of you, and usually directly in front of you, so you are in direct earshot of their plentiful conversations that will continue throughout the movie.

3) Never, under any circumstances, go see any film that has an actress named Shannon above the title on the poster ('cause you can bank on it being on Cinemax later that night.)

4) Never complain about the prices of food and drink at the concession stand. Remember, the zit-faced candy teen has at least three chances to turn his back during preparation. Who knows what he could drip on it (and we're not talking butter-flavored topping)?

5) Never ignore your surroundings while at the ticket window. Listen to the people ahead of you and their selections. This will keep you from having to sit next to Emmett and his merry band of flatulating middle-schoolers.

6) Don't wear shorts.

7) Never read the stories in those freebie, cheese-laden Movie Theatre Magazettes. I mean, this ain't exactly Cinema Critique. The articles are probably written by the publisher's 19-year-old niece, Mandy, in her first year at juco.

8) Never cheer at the trailers. You'll regret it later...as in Tank Girl.

9) Check your theatre seat for squeaky works, exposed springs, and suspicious stains.

10) If something's wrong with the focus, lighting, or sound, take immediate action. Be the hero.

11) If you've seen the film, but your mate hasn't, don't explain the plot, don't give away major surprises, and don't nudge ribs.

12) If you hear a funny line, don't repeat it. And don't laugh extra hard at the intellectual jokes to make yourself "seem smart."

13) If you're watching a Bertolucci, Coen Brothers', or David Lynch film, don't ask questions. Let art flow over you.

ADDENDUM A - The Snack Bar

1) If you're gonna sneak in a beverage, don't bring it in aluminum cans. Ushers are trained to listen for the "pok-fizz" of a soda can.

2) Nachos make bad movie food. By the end of the first reel, your lap will be a kiddie pool of luke-warm cheese dollops.

3) Remember: the pinker the hot dog, the fresher the hot dog. Burnt umber equals bad.

4) If the snack bar attendant asks your butter preference, don't finesse it. A simple yes or no is the appropriate response. "Just a little" or "Gimme some extra butter" has been known to induce brain hemorraging.

5) If your director is Kevin Costner, Kenneth Branagh, or Richard Attenborough, order the SMALL Coke.

ADDENDUM B - The Bathroom Rules

1) Don't expect a "germ-free" environment. Remember, this is the same locale that sucks your shoe soles tighter than a kitten on a tabby titty.

2) Never make eye contact with your "colleagues" in the bathroom. It just ain't done.

3) Flush with your feet.

4) Don't use the diaper changing station as a place to stage your personal belongings or concession items. One word: residue.

5) As in life, pee before entry.