Friends to the End
Dr. Daniel's review of Picture Perfect

critical condition

Starring Jennifer Aniston, Jay Mohr, Kevin Bacon, Olympia Dukakis, Kevin Dunn, Faith Prince, Anne Twomey, John Rothman, Margaret Gibson.

Directed by Glenn Gordon Caron. Rated PG-13. 105 minutes.

     Okay, here's the deal. You people know how I feel about movie-star wannabes, right? I'm hosin' toward those people who decide that their weekly TV shows just aren't enough, so they polevault to the Silver Screen, usually in some safe, cute little film that's an extension of their TV persona. I'll save you the trouble of recollecting the fantastic film efforts of such hot coals as David Caruso, Timothy Busfield, Corbin Bernsen, and, oh yes, let's not dismiss that sparkling tag-team of Shelley Long and Ted Danson.
     And, now, we get the New Breed of Faux Stars. Fran Drescher, the most annoying performer since Clara "Where's the Beef" Peller. Can't wait for her next movie, I tell you what. Another two hours of that fingernails-on-a-chalkboard voice. Whee-hah! There's the riveting bigscreen thespian Tom Arnold, setting records for Biggest Flops in a Leading Role. And now the latest wave comes from the cast of "Friends"! Not a sterling filmography from this lot, I hate to say.
     David Schwimmer, the Badluck Schleprock with the Caesar haircut? Fast out of the blocks with the The Pallbearer. Insert your own "dead" "mortuary" or "last rites" joke here. Matt LeBlanc? Ed. Monkeys playing baseball. How 'bout some sort of spin on the word "error" or "bananas"? Matt Perry? Fools Rush In. A scamper down Chandler Street, with a hot babe in the story. Oh, there's a stretch. Courtney Cox? Let's see, here, she's a two-timer in this parade. She parlayed her "Family Ties" Fifteen Minutes into the TBS regular Masters of the Universe. Good move. How she stayed out of Beastmaster 3 I'll never know. Now, "Friends" skyrockets her into a thirty-minute role as a hump-for-your-supper tabloid TV reporter in Scream. Good movie, but she was as replaceable as a Bic lighter in it. Now, she's hurdling forward into Scream 2. Easy, Courtney, don't hurt yourself with that dramatic leap. Lisa Kudrow has played the same character in three, count 'em three, different places. Her "Friends" character started as a waitress on "Mad About You." The NBC braintrust invented her "twin sister" and plugged her into "Friends." And Phoebe went Hollywood in Romy And Michelle's High School Reunion. Mira Sorvino carries the film; while Lisa hacks out a career path like a latter day Rue McClanahan. Think about it....
     And, once again, Jennifer Aniston wants to play Movie Star. She made a couple of midlin' appearances in She's the One and 'til there was you, so now she's qualified to headline her own movie Picture Perfect. Rachel, honey, I could use a refill on my espresso.
    Miss Jenn stars as Kate Mosley, a young career gal moving up in her ad agency. She hustles on the job, parties nice, and couldn't find Mr. Right if he jumped up and bit her on the shapely sitdown. This pseudo-tragedy is gray-hairing her Jewish mother (Olympia Dukakis), and it also has her boss on the finger-wag as well. He likes his workers painted the old-fashioned way, with spouses and families and car notes and house notes and such, the kind that aren't so quick to jump ship.
     So, in a fascinating plot twist, she makes up a fiancé. She casts the part with a stranger she meets at a wedding, a nice guy named Nick, played by Jerry Maguire super-sleaze Jay Mohr. She sends herself flowers, drops all the right hints, and everything seems to be clicking right along. Her mother cools off. Her boss relaxes. And the office hunk (Kevin Bacon) gets interested in her now that she's "borrowed goods," so to speak. But guess what? Things go awry! People start falling in love, and the secret arrangement nearly slips out of the bag! Plot twists on parade!
     Am I the only one who recognizes this storyline a hundred times over? Not only does it "borrow" liberally from Green Card and My Best Friend's Wedding, which I could forgive as coincidence, but, think about it, people. This is not only every basic plot from "Three's Company," it's also that episode of "The Brady Bunch" when Jan invents a secret admirer. Or did I see it in "Eight Is Enough"? Or was it Theo Huxtable and his make-believe inflatable doll?
     This thing's not a total stack of stench. Glenn Gordon Caron, the director, does his red-letter best to resurrect the humor from his TV show "Moonlighting" (speaking of movie-star wannabes), and keeps everything moving rapidly, sometimes too fast for conditions. Jay Mohr does an admirable job creating a good-looking character that's nice from start to finish -- no "change of heart" junk here. He's rockin' right along, but he's about as challenged here as Tiger Woods at the Goofy Golf. And, yes, Aniston is more than adequate as Rachel, er, Kate. Her timing is spiffy, as seen on TV, and she can tilt her head to make a point better than Lassie. She's also a heap of fun to stare at...and I guess that's a decent enough reason to appear on film.
     I grant you all of that, and I still won't call this a good movie, 'cause it's such a retread. A hundred-minute retread of any of thousands of TV sitcom scripts that has to be drawn out like old taffy to make it fill the projector. I was praying for a commercial break or two to catch a glimpse of the Budweiser frogs or even a Depends ad, just for novelty's sake. The script, by Caron and TV writers Arleen Sorkin and Paul Slansky, positively reeks of its roots. There are jokes that scream for a a studio audience, but the applause sign never lights. The dialogue just lands in the murky pool of the darkened theatre and floats, slowly bubbling under like waterlogged driftwood.
     I found it highly ironic that they titled this movie exactly what they did. This thing is, indeed, picture perfect. Everything about it looks great, everyone's pretty in the right places, and often when they aren't supposed to be. In short, Picture Perfect, is just like the pages of a magazine -- it's all glossy, flat and one-dimensional. And, you know, I think the title of that magazine should probably be TV Guide.