Okay, here's the deal. We've just gotten through our Annual Spring Festival here in Carver Point, so everyone can relax in the knowledge that we made it through another winter. Regardless of what that groundhog up in Pennsylvania has to say, winter's over in Carver Point when the Spring Festival Parade starts. When the Spring Queen rides by in Jerry Proudfoot's '65 convertible Thunderbird, there's no greater sign that there'll be no more cold weather, and the flowers can go ahead and safely peek at the sun.
Of course, there are other signs of spring being officially here. Namely, watch your movie theatre marquee closely. There's always a rush on comedy movies in the spring. No matter how good or bad they are, they're gonna get flushed into the movie houses as fast as they can get the film developed. The thinking, I'd imagine, is that everyone has lived through the cold, dark winter, and there's a terrible need for laughter. Either that or they're just clearing off the shelf in prep for the big summer action flicks.
Let me offer you a prime example. My old friend, The Remake, has reared his head and offered up another potential candidate for the slaughter. This time, Paramount decided to remake the 1970 Neil Simon comedy The Out-Of-Towners. The original starred Jack Lemmon and Sandy Dennis, and it was pretty dang funny. It was a very dark comedy of errors about a midwestern couple on their first trip to New York City. One thing after another goes wrong, and Lemmon becomes more and more determined to "beat this city" before it beats him, and he's dragging Sandy Dennis through the grinder in the process.
Now, you folks know my theory on remakes. There have been a few notable exceptions, but, for the most part, a remake is an express ticket to Suck City, 'cause everyone involved has to put their own flavor in the pot, and, before all is said and done, the mixture is so over-flavored, it has no taste of the original whatsoever. The Out-Of-Towners, starring Steve Martin and Goldie Hawn, was steaming with potential to be a funny slapstick madcap movie. Guess what....
This time out, Henry and Nancy Clark (Martin and Hawn) are a couple ready to relax after getting all the kids out of the house. Everything's going to be smooth sailing. Then, Henry gets axed from his advertising job, and manages to land an interview in New York City. From that moment on, everything goes haywire. Their plane gets rerouted, their luggage gets lost, they get robbed, and their hotel reservation is cancelled. Stress builds on stress, and Henry and Nancy do their best to survive this Vacation from Hell.
Simple enough, right? Problem builds on problem, tempers are stretched to their breaking point, and the problems escalate, all building to a big showdown, where everything can be resolved. A formula that's lasted forever, and is the simple recipe for any screwball comedy. So what in the name of Preston Sturges went so wrong here?
You'd expect Martin and Hawn to be well suited for this kind of movie. Both are major league comedic actors, and usually hit for a high average. Here, though, neither looks comfortable at all with what they are doing. Miss Goldie spends most of the movie with a blank look on her face, like she's caught in the headlights of a truck. Characterization, maybe, but it does nothing for this role. Her brightest moments onscreen have always been when her eyes and face are allowed to react to the situation around her. Why you'd take a reactive comedian and put her in a non-reactive role is a mystery. Martin, too, is a reactionary comic, but he can also be a starting point, too. If the plan was for him to be the comedian, and Hawn to be the straight man, so be it. But they never get the chance. Both look like they're swimming through a heavy current, and losing the fight.
The question is, do you point a finger at screenwriter Marc Lawrence (Forces of Nature), or at the director Sam Weisman (George of the Jungle)? Lawrence based his screenplay on the Neil Simon original, or so the credits say. But Neil Simon has never seemed this dull and silly. Simon has had his misses, true, but even in his misses there are flashes of the sharp observational wit that has made him so popular through the years. Did Lawrence decide to use his own flavor and exorcise everything witty out of the original and redo it the way he thought it should be done? Or did Weisman make the decision for him? The direction here is flatter than a dead possum. Sight gags abound, but every one of them's as predictable as a car horn in Times Square. There's no feel for the humor in the situations at all. Rather, they're presented as if we're supposed to understand that we're supposed to laugh at a certain point, and will do so, no matter how lame the set-ups are. Guys, comedy don't work like that. Ask the Farrelly Brothers, or the Coen Brothers, or Harold Ramis. Or, better yet, ask Neil Simon himself. It would seem logical that, if you were making a movie like this, you'd spend a couple of bucks and rent a few comedy movies, see how they work and what makes them click. Lawrence and Weisman have apparently decided to go cold turkey on the formula, and it shows in every moment.
How, then, do you explain the one true bright spot in this movie, John Cleese? Cleese is wonderful as a closet cross-dressing hotel manager, and, for the few minutes he's on the screen, you have hope that things are gonna turn around. But, once he's gone, you can hear the brakes squealing and the gears grinding to a pinpoint stop. Weisman steers Cleese the way Cleese has always made people laugh, but allows Martin and Hawn to go glassy-eyed and zombiefied. They still do get to do more takes than one, don't they? I mean, this ain't William "One-Shot" Beaudine or Edward Wood here. If it isn't working, you do get to say "Cut!" and start over, right?
I'm really at a loss here, people. I really wanted to tell you good things about this movie, 'cause there was a potential here for a funny movie. But, with a sigh, I remind you how the potential for greatness is never a guarantee for greatness. We've sadly seen it all too many times over the past two years in big star vehicles like Fathers' Day and Sphere. Concept is created, huge stars are contracted, hype machine is geared up, movie is made, and movie falls deader than a jailhouse Saturday night. And we get stuck for our cash with nothing to show but an empty popcorn box.
If you want to see the best part of this movie, throw in The Meaning of Life and watch Cleese work. If you're looking for a screwball comedy rent Bringing Up Baby or Adam's Rib. You want Steve Martin or Goldie Hawn, rent L.A. Story or Private Benjamin. You want Neil Simon, go find The Odd Couple, or The Sunshine Boys. Or, if you must, go rent the original movie The Out-Of-Towners. At least you can see what you were supposed to see in the remake. Save your money on the remake. It's not worth the trip into town.
Image copyright Paramount Pictures.
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