Okay, here's the deal. A few weeks ago, I sat you children down and told you a story about a gunfighter named Ol' Walt, and how Ol' Walt was a legend, and how everybody started gunning for Ol' Walt. Remember? This upstart young tenderfoot named Fox decided it was time to make a name for himself, and he tried to take on Walt right there in Walt's hometown. Any of you folks remember how that turned out?
Cue the Magnificent Seven theme. There's a new boy in town, looking for Walt. He's badder than Fox ever wanted to be. This new guy, name of DW, has only been around for about six months. Fox had at least been around as long as Walt, studying his moves, learning how he prepares for a duel. DW doesn't seem to care about any of that. See, DW has a lot of money, and DW seems to think that a huge roll of whip-out is going to make up for the lack of reputation. DW has three coaches, Little Stevie, Big Katz, and D-Geff, and these three coaches are building DW up for the fight. Little Stevie has a big name in quality performance in this sort of thing. Big Katz used to work for Ol' Walt, and he knows all of Walt's moves. Nobody really knows what D-Geff is supposed to do other than get his picture taken and find money.
The stage rides into town. Walt already has a couple of quick, hard-hitting victories running, and he's not too scared of DW. DW, on the other hand, has found it necessary to hype himself up and down the road, even going so far as to make fun of Ol' Walt to his face, throwing jabs at Walt's benefactor Mickey. But Walt is laying no blame. He knows it's all part of the game. And Walt knows that DW has got to prove himself hard. So Walt sits back and lets DW come into town with guns blazing.
Figured out this little fairy tale? If not, allow me. Walt is Disney, DW is Dreamworks SKG, and this latest brawl comes in the name of Dreamworks SKG's new film Mouse Hunt. And, while this film puts up a better fight, it still lacks the punch that needs to be there if the SKG boys want to establish themselves in the cutesy family market.
The story, such as it is, concerns the Smuntz brothers, Ernie (Nathan Lane) and Lars (Lee Evans). These two jugheads have just inherited a couple of things from their dear departed father, namely an antiquated string factory and a dilapidated old house. The brothers, both of whom are down on their luck, are giddy to find out that the house is a design of some famous architect, and decide to fix it up so they can sell it for an obscene amount of scratch. Only, someone doesn't want them in the house. Or should I say, some thing doesn't want them in the house. Specifically, one cute little brown mouse.
I hope and pray that the creative minds at Dreamworks didn't have to strain themselves with this thing, because, if so, Dreamworks' tenure in Hollywood is going to be short. I find it hard to believe that this effort is their follow-up to their impressive debut with The Peacemaker. Why? Because this entire movie is basically a tired retread of the simply stupid Home Alone series. Lane and Evans play Pesci and Stern, and the rat plays Macauley Culkin. If this needs any explanation, you are one of the seven people in the world that did not have to sit through Home Alone, either in a theatre or one of the 900 jillion times HBO cranks this monster out. Thankfully, the rat doesn't have Culkin's annoying attitude or that smart-ass grin.
It's a shame, too, that this movie has to be the packaging for a couple of good performances from Lane and Evans. Lane is, as usual, over the top and lovin' every minute of it. He has a lot more of the straight man's role here than he had in The Birdcage, so don't expect raging flamboyance. But he and Evans make a nice team, filling out the roles like a new-age Laurel and Hardy. Evans is the nice but slightly dumb character, trying his best to do good, but screwing it up time and again. Lane is the schemer, always looking for the angle, and doing the best slow-burn reaction since the master, Oliver Hardy, left us some years back.
These performances, though, don't hide the fact that the sight gags work only about one-fourth of the time, usually more set-up than payoff. The rest of the cast is decoration, including a baffling performance by Christopher Walken as a demonic exterminator that seems Xeroxed from the script for Arachnophobia and John Goodman's character. Walken is the only other character in the movie that gets more than three or so lines without a scene break, and even those are relegated to the "stupid" section of K-Mart. I really hope Walken isn't on some downward spiral, hoping this part will open new doors for him. If he is, he better pray Tarantino calls him tonight.
And, oh yeah, there's a cute mouse in this thing. Robotic mice, computer-generated mice, and trained field mice. Thankfully, director Gore Verbinski knows how to cut film to make animals look real when they aren't. His past efforts with the Budweiser frogs certainly helped him in that aspect, but maybe he needs more practice with humans, 'cause he can't seem to frame a performance to save himself. There's just so many gross-out gags needed to fill out a movie. Gore, you also have to steer your actors.
The irony in this whole thing is the title. After seeing the trailers and the TV commercials, is there any doubt where things are pointed? Mouse Hunt. Mouse. Hmmmmm. Who's company logo is a mouse? And who's company is leading the holiday family movie wars right now with Flubber? Hmmmmmmm. What mouse is Dreamworks hunting? Hmmmmmmm.
Well, SKG boys, you went hunting. You took your shot. Your target was standing there waiting for you. And you came up short. Next time, try not to rip off a plotline from an obnoxious family movie and find somebody other than a beer commercial director to captain the ship.
Mouse Hunt is enjoyable, and, at times, is laugh-out-loud funny. But the laughs are hard-labored ones. It takes too long to get to the heart of the story, and too long for Lane and Evans to rev up the slapstick machine. Once it's going, it results in a decent time at the movies with the kiddies. But, man, does it take a while to get there.
Better luck next time, DW. And, when you're ready, Ol' Walt will be waiting for you. Right out front by the ticket window.
Copyrighted image courtesy of Dreamworks SKG.
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under the knife