Vital Statistics: Heath Ledger, Mark Addy, Rufus Sewell, Shannyn Sossamon, Paul Bettany; written and directed by Brian Helgeland. Rated PG-13.
Initial Symptoms: Lots of bullets fired from the pre-summer Hype Gun, targeting Heath Ledger as the new Aussie Hot Boy, and pushing radio to declare a Top 10 soundtrack album.
Dictation: It's been said by so many, including me -- don't let hype sell you on a flick before you've seen it. I never would've expected it, though, from Brian Helgeland. I mean, come on, the man that made the super-cool L.A. Confidential? He surely wouldn't fall prey to catering to the lowest common denominator, would he? Answer: Yes, folks, he would, and he sorely has.
Helgeland plops Heath Ledger, a.k.a. the "next Mel Gibson" (not my words), into this story of William Thatcher, a simple guy masquerading as a knight so he can barnstorm the local jousting events and make a name for himself. He has, of course, a small band of friends that are helping him hide his identity. His sidekick Roland (Mark Addy of Full Monty fame) and a firey-tempered guy named Wat played by Alan Tudyk (28 Days) are the sub-macho cohorts. Thatcher also has a smart-mouthed lady blacksmith named Kate (Laura Fraser), naturally priming us for lovey-dovey conflict and stuff. And, for some odd reason, the very-real character of Geoffrey Chaucer (remember reading The Canterbury Tales in high school? That guy.) is thrown in, played by Paul Bettany.
We get our promised romantic conflict when Thatcher meets up with Jocelyn (newcomer Shannyn Sossamon), whom he makes a concerted effort to win by making himself into the champion jouster. But, of course, he has to defeat the evil Count Adhemar (Sewell) to do so.
What makes this thing so incredibly goofy is Helgeland's decision to fill the film to the brim with anachronisms. It might've paid off if there were a few things out of place, used as bits of humor here and there. But no such luck. Instead, he literally threw all historical value out the window and went straight for the "dumb" factor. For those who don't know, the "dumb" factor is where the studio accepts the theory that all moviegoers are complete idiots, and will gladly accept anything thrown at them, regardless of how stupid it seems, sounds, or looks. Thus, A Knight's Tale is born... All of the out-of-place things might've worked if this had been one of the Zucker Brothers' send-ups, like in Airplane! or The Naked Gun. Again, no. They're just shoehorned into the story to apparently make it hip for the unthinking masses.
But, let's leave the historical business aside for a second. Even if you could overlook all that crap, what's left is still a really stupid movie. Nobody here looks like they have a clue about what's going on, including our Junior Russell Crowe (Ledger). There's not a single character developed to a point of watching, with the only possible exception being Chaucer (and how ironic is it that the one real historical figure is the best character in a fictional tale). You have to work to find anything worth disliking in the villain. And, honestly, Miss Sossamon is quite lovely, but she's as boring as a late night broadcast of The Weather Channel. Oh, and if you can't predict its plot turns, you're not trying, 'cause they stand out like Shaquille O'Neal at a jockey's convention.
I kept wondering when we'd get a nice romantic subplot with the lady blacksmith and Thatcher. I kept wondering when we'd get a jousting sequence that was remotely interesting to watch. I kept wondering which of the classic rock songs in the soundtrack would be the most out of place (Winner? A tie between Queen's "We Will Rock You" and War's "Low Rider".) Then, I suddenly realized what I was actually wondering. I was wondering why in the name of Ivanhoe I was still sitting there, watching this mess.
Doc's Notes: Why bother? If you haven't already been taken by this nonsense, save your money. I do, however, recommend the soundtrack, if only to have some of these songs collected on one CD for future listening pleasure. Just throw the jewel case away, so nobody can accuse you of buying it 'cause you liked the movie. If Heath Ledger plans on making it in this business, he needs an advisor that will promptly shoo him away from stuff like this. And, if Brian Helgeland ever gets an impulse to do another film like this, I hope someone has the sense to run him through with a lance. It's sad to see anyone go from smart to dumb. It's even worse to see someone go from artist to pandering street hustler. A Knight's Tale is appropriately named. After all, where there's a tail, there's often....well, you get the idea.
Image copyright Columbia Pictures.
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