Go-Go No
Dr. Daniel's review of Inspector Gadget

critical condition

Starring Matthew Broderick, Rupert Everett, Joely Fisher, Michael G. Hagerty, Michelle Trachtenberg, Andy Dick, Frances Bay, Dabney Colemen, Cheri Oteri.

Directed by David Kellogg. Rated PG.

    Okay, here's the deal. Irma and Lanny Delano dragged me to their house for Sunday dinner the other day. I was picking up a newspaper at the convenience store, and there they were, "owing me a favor and not taking NO for an answer." I reluctantly accepted and made my way toward the Delanos place in the Durango Acres subdivision. I should've said "no" anyway.
   I'm sure you know folks like Irma and her brood. Total chaos. Six children, three dogs, seven cats, an indoor chicken, and Lanny's sour half-brother, Roscoe. It's all shouts and train whistles at their house. And if somebody's not hollerin', they're turning up the TV to drown out the hollerin'. Needless to say, I did everything possible to put the hurry-up on the experience. I helped set the table, ate like a madman, skipped dessert and bolted while the family was heatedly comparing different brands of gun powder (one of which I was sure had been used to season the pork chops).
   Headache and Heartburn were my traveling companions as I motored back toward town. I figured a movie would be the proper antidote and slipped into a 2pm showing of the new live-action Disney flick Inspector Gadget.
   Gadget had come to the Dodecaplex with a good vibe. The trailer had looked spiffy, Matthew Broderick and Rupert Everett seemed like top-drawer choices for the principal roles, and being a fan of the old cartoon, I thought I was in for a happy time at the cinema.
   Boy, was I wrong. The mess that soon spilled onto the screen was even more chaotic than lunch at the Delanos.
   The tired story -- for what it's worth -- can be told thusly: Matthew Broderick, a hapless security guard, has a crush on a red-haired scientist (Joely Fisher) whose father has mastered the science of bionics. An evil billionaire steals the technology, kills Dr. Dad, and leaves Security Schmoe in a pile of his own exploded rubble. RedHair rebuilds him into a hapless robocop, arming him with an assortment of goofy gadgets to use in bringing Billionaire Boy (now named Claw) to justice. Oh, it has a happy ending, of course, and along the way, we're "treated" to such innovations as a talking car, a precocious niece, and more product placement than you'll find at Wal Mart.
   What makes Inspector Gadget such a disappointment isn't what's on the screen, so much as what's not. Clocking in at a mere 80 minutes, I got the feeling that there was a good Inspector Gadget movie -- sitting in the trash bin of some L.A. editing bay. Effects spectacular, stars flash, concept large. But like my last sentence there, the movie is missing a bunch of something, namely in the realm of character development and proper pacing. In short, it's a mess.
   Whenever a movie fails in the area of backstory, character and pace, you gotta blame the director. In Gadget's case the goat is David Kellogg, known to film fans as the auteur of Cool as Ice. You gotta wonder how the guy who committed Vanilla Ice to celluloid would ever get a chance to direct again, but evidently he's also the guy who lensed Jerry Seinfeld with Superman for those AmEx spots. And even though it was Jerry who made those commercials good, Kellogg gets tapped to crank out a summer blockbuster for Disney.
   For Kellogg's sake, I hope he can blame some meddling suits at The Mouse House for trimming this film to such a short and rueful length. During the race to get us out of the theater, Kellogg gives us a few decent things to consider. There's some gleeful diabolicality from Rupert Everett and his "minion" Sikes, played Michael Hagerty (remember Joey's dance partner, Treeger the superintendent, from "Friends"?) Broderick gets to parody his Godzilla turn in a rather choice scene, and "Saturday Night Live"'s Cheri Oteri has a few funny moments as Riverton City's ditzy mayor. But beyond that, it's mostly just a distracting and chaotic mess.
   My dear patients, take my advice and skip Inspector Gadget. Save your sanity and learn to say "no."