Okay, here's the deal. I was pretty fired up when I heard the cast of A Fish Called Wanda was getting back together and doing their thing again. I laughed myself sick when I saw their first go-round with the Oscar®-winning Wanda. It was cruel, it was mean-spirited, and it was absolutely hysterical. The french fries up the nose, the multiple ways of murdering dogs, the sniffing armpits. It was all hysterical.

I, and industry analysts the world over, had to assume that a new film from this comedy crew had to be just as fabulous. An obvious assumption, right?

You remember that little saying about the word assume? When you assume, you make an ass out of U and me? Well, Fierce Creatures made a serious ass out of me.

Sure, Creatures has its giddy moments. But, woe to us, they are few and far between.

The story, such as it is, involves a small zoo in England. It's been acquired as part of a major takeover by a communications zillionaire, who seeks profit above all else. This cash boss is an obvious take on media moguls Ted Turner and Rupert Murdoch, and he looks like some sort of smarmy offspring of the two. Kevin Kline, who won an Oscar for Wanda, does double-duty as money hound Rod McCain, as well as his indelicate son Vince. John Cleese plays a retired Hong Kong police detective, Rollo Lee, who is brought in to head up the zoo, and Jamie Lee Curtis plays the sexy executive who comes in to fix what Rollo screws up.

If I could explain it any better than that, believe me, I would.

Everything is there for the taking. You've got funny people, a funny setting, and a funny premise. But, for some strange reason, there's really nothing that funny about this movie. Most of the time, poor John Cleese just looks weary. Kevin Kline plays two parts and gets half the laughs he got in Wanda. Jamie Lee seems more concerned about showing off her ample cleavage than showing off her acting skills. It's not often you can say this about Jamie Lee, but, man, is she flat in this picture. She smiles, she wriggles, she learns how to care about animals more than the almighty dollar, rah, rah.

Anybody that buys a ticket for this movie is doing so because they expect to laugh. Well, if anybody's gonna laugh in this movie, they'd better smuggle in an Archie comic and a flashlight, 'cause, man, this thing is deader than Kurt Cobain.

That is, until the last twenty-two-and-a-half minutes of the movie. Suddenly, and without warning, the script kicks it into high gear, and we get the cruel humor, the slapstick, the jokes we should have been getting from jump street. The last act keeps the Fishy tradition of amusement, mayhem and Monty Python. Word has it, that this film's ending was reworked and reshot months after wrap. Whatever spirit was present during the reshoots, shoulda remade the other three-fourths into a watchable film. As it is now, you get two bits of great comedy and about an hour and ten of recycled guitar picks.

Oh! By the way, what cubbyhole did they hide Michael Palin in? The studio parades him through the trailer and TV spots like he's up front and center. And until the grand finale, we only see him in an occasional cameo. The duo that directed this thing, Misters Schepisi and Young, should be sentenced to a week in detention hall. When you have Michael Palin and John Cleese in a movie you have GOT to work them together once in a while. These are two Brits that made a dead parrot into a pinnacle of comedic history. Imagine what they could have done for that dead turkey of a movie you were making. HINT --- Next time, pardners, why not allow them to talk more often. Don't throw 'em in an "I Love Lucy" slapstick scene. These men are funny, let them talk. Wise up, fellas, or it's on to infomercials for the two of yous. One gets spray-on hair and the other gets Juiceman.

If you're President of the Cleese Fan Club, or if you're Jamie Lee's first cousin, then I encourage you to see Fierce Creatures. But if you're queing up for a laugh attack, be forewarned, people. Your butt will get sore long before your smile muscles will.