Dirty Time-Wasting
Dr. Daniel's review of Dirty Dancing

critical condition

Starring Patrick Swayze, Jennifer Grey, Jerry Orbach, Cynthia Rhodes, Jack Weston, Jane Brucker, Lonny Price, Kelly Bishop, Max Cantor, Wayne Knight.

Directed by Emile Ardolino. Rated PG-13.

    Okay, here's the deal. There are a few different ways I could go here. I could sugar-coat things, to help the medicine go down. But that just ain't my style. I could tell you what you want to hear, but, like Howard Cosell, I calls 'em like I sees 'em. So, I guess I'm just gonna go horns first, hope for the best, and expect the worst. Here goes:
    I have a loud holler for you people out there. Dirty Dancing is, was, and will always be one of the stupidest movies to ever drip out of Hollywood's backside. It is, was, and always will be a soundtrack album in search of a movie. And it is, was, and always will be a movie that needed a Tenth Anniversary re-release about as bad as we need another O. J. Simpson trial.
    Now, right at this sec, you're brain is sloshing in one of two directions. Either you're saying, "How dare you attack a beautiful movie like this," or you're saying, "Testify, Brother Daniel, testify!"
    For those of you who approve of my viewpoint, you're dismissed. Saunter toward the hall and smoke a butt. For those of you crushed by my statements like Wile E. Coyote under an anvil, keep your fists down. Let me show you how many ways this movie offends me and the precious artform we call "cinema".

1. A period piece that features 80s music in it?
2. The lead character in the movie is named "Baby." Her name...is..."Baby."
3. Muscle shirts.
4. Jennifer Grey as a sex symbol.
5. It tries to make a superfluous Pro-choice statement in a '50s flick.
6. Did the world need another "brooding hero"? And, if it did, did he also have to be a mambo teacher named Johnny Castle?
7. Shakespeare did the star-crossed lovers plot already, and he had the decency to kill 'em off at the end.
8. A Bill Medley comeback?
9. Patrick Swayze and his bad lip-syncing.
10. The "Dirty Dancing In Concert" tour?
11. Why is Baby's father giving that dork money for med school? Where was he when I had my scholarship revoked for drinking tequila in Pathology class?
12. In the heart-wrenching finale, Johnny says that he's created the dance moves for himself and Baby. So how do 40 other dancers fall in step to the entire routine when he prances into the aisle?
13. Could that chick playing Baby's sister have been any less believable? I know pot roasts that deliver lines better.
14. Just when we thought they were gone...pedal-pushers and Keds sneakers!
15. Back to that finale - Johnny put a 45 rpm record on, and it plays for the next eight minutes. What gives, this the flipside of Inna-Gadda-Da Vita or American Pie?
16. Somebody please explain to me how dragging teenagers to Camp in the Catskills was expected to be fun. What sort of horrific parents were these people? I know it had to be based in truth. Somebody, anybody explain it to me!
17. Newman.

   Does it seem like I know way too much about this movie, for someone who despises it so much? Bullseye. Know why? 'Cause I was between wives in 1987, and I was dating. Anyone that was dating in 1987 went to see Dirty Dancing. And, I know I am not alone when I say that, if you were a dating guy in 1987, you got dragged to see Dirty Dancing way too many times, at the then-unheard of price of $3.50 per ticket. And then it hit video, and everybody bought it and watched it over and over and over. And then it hit HBO, and, because it was rated PG-13, they could show it morning, noon, and night, 7-24-365. And they keep draggin' it back out when they have 90 minutes to burn. And so on and so on and so on.
    I have not used the phrase "chick flick" yet, and I am trying not to, but, ladies, if you're boyfriend/ husband/steady/blind date/whatever told you he enjoyed Dirty Dancing on his first viewing, he could be telling the truth, but it's doubtful. If he still tells you that every time you whip out the video, he's a boldfaced liar, and he's saying so to keep you from hounding him the next time he wants to watch The Dirty Dozen. It's the same premise that will occur when The English Patient hits video or pay-tv. He may sit through it, but, inside, he's praying that the VCR will melt right there on the TV, or that the tape will vanish into thin air. I would not be the least bit surprised if you were to tell me that you had to buy another copy of Dirty Dancing 'cause the first one got "accidentally misplaced." Brace yourself, ladies. Your significant other heaved that first one in the dumpster and prayed you'd forget about it. And, when the new one showed up, he immediately started thinking of ways to leave it exposed to the melting hot sun without you catching on. In fact, guys, the next time you're forced to watch that excuse for a movie, occupy your mind with creative ways you could permanently destroy the tape. Believe me, this technique got me through many a tedious night.
    If you must catch this revival of Dirty Dancing, then please help yourself. Grab all your girlfriends and make a night of it. But for pity's sake, leave your hubby at home with a tallboy and the pennant races.