Okay, here's the deal. All you young folks out there, take note. All you parents of young people, take an even better note. I hate to break it to you, but it has become blatantly obvious that the Suits in Hollywood think that every person between the ages of 11 and 16 is a complete and utter idiot. Now, you ain't gonna find it written down anywhere. No mysterious "lost memos," like the Great Tobacco Massacre, but the attitude is there.
Personally, I'm of the opinion that young people can rise to the level of the expectations around them. Without getting into some great debate over environment over genetics, I just happen to believe that if you treat a kid like he or she has some sense, they'll usually act like they have some sense. If you see that a kid likes to read, don't let him just wallow in those stupid "Goosebumps" things. Try handing him a copy of "Around the World in Eighty Days." Or let the kid try a Sherlock Holmes mystery. They might actually like it. Same goes for TV. Let a kid stay up sometimes and watch "A&E's Biography" once in a bit.
That's why I'm so completely bent by how terrible movies geared to young teens are. For my money, I'd rather have my 13-year old watch Good Will Hunting or Dead Poets' Society than some of the "kid movie" dreck that's out there. Sure, there are situations and language in both of them that some might find "offensive," but remember this: your kid hears the same language when he watches Die Hard 9 on video with his friends.
Let me put it to you another way. This is an actual argument I had with somebody last night outside the dodecaplex. One of the moviegoers was refusing to let his 14-year-old daughter go see Titanic because, and I quote, she "does not need to be exposed to all that death and sadness." So, like a good parent, he bought her a ticket to see Meet the Deedles, the new so-called movie from Disney. I countered that, if she sat through one hour of news on television, she'd see more senseless violence and death and sadness than if she saw Titanic three times. He blustered up at this idea. So, I dared him to go in with her to see Meet the Deedles. I gave up my ticket to whatever it was I was going to see and went with him, so I could see his reaction to what he preferred his daughter to see.
And, folks, lemme tell you. He was as appalled as I thought he'd be. He turned to me about midway through and said, "This is the dumbest thing I have ever seen." And I told him, "Bullseye. Moviemakers think kids like your daughter can't think. And you just gave them the opportunity to prove it."
The plot of this piece of donkey doo is this: two brothers, Stew and Phil Deedles (played by Steve Van Wormer and Paul Walker) are heirs to their father's fortune. But their father (Eric Braeden), is appalled to find that his sons are basically jerky screw-ups. So he sends them off to Camp Broken Spirit (cuuuute), where they will spend a month in the wilderness, learning how to be real men instead of beach bums. Jumping through various plot hoops, they escape their little campout and are mistaken for park ranger trainees, where they're put under the direction of Ranger Pine (as in tree, get it?), played by John Ashton, better known as Taggert in Beverly Hills Cop. And, lo and behold, they solve the problem of a freaky infestation of prairie dogs (?!?) in the area. These prairie dogs have been trained by an evil former ranger named Slater (Dennis Hopper), to burrow out a new path for the waters of Old Faithful, forming a new geyser that Slater can sell tickets to. I don't know enough cuss words to start blessing out this plotline.
More details exist, but since they make as much sense as Japanese stereo instructions, I'll spare you. Suffice it to say that the boys win out, the evil is destroyed, and countless prairie dog slaves are spared a lifetime of digging hot water tunnels. Hoo-raw....
Now, folks, I readily admit that I thought stuff like the Bill and Ted movies and Sixteen Candles were pretty silly, but they were at least funny. This mess is just pitiful. If a horse were this lame, it would already be white and renamed Elmer's. There's absolutely no excuse for this, other than the ready answer: it'll turn a quick buck with kids. And that is forevermore the pity. It ain't like Disney don't score one dollar out of three from every kid in the world anyway. For a company that prides itself on its animation's attraction for kids and grownups alike, why turn around and hurl this sloppy brick out there?
The direction, such as it is, was by former stuntman Steve Boyum, and it's every bit as weak as the transparent script by Jim Herzfeld. Obviously, these two have spent most of their lives watching commercials and giggling at fart sounds, because the level of humor hovers slightly above that, but not by much. And, these two actors, Van Wormer and Walker, well, don't look for them to pop up anywhere else, outside of the inevitable direct-to-video sequel. Sure, Kurt Russell started the same way, but Russell has talent. Hair bleach and Spicoli accents ain't the same as talent.
I will absolutely refrain from ranting about the appearance of Dennis Hopper in this movie. I only hope and pray he invested this paycheck. Every time I think Dennis is finally back on track, he pulls a stunt like this. Flashback, Super Mario Brothers, Meet the Deedles. Dennis, my boy, you might think about getting an agent that can read. Or buying yourself a backbone, one of the two. He's sure to get another Oscar nod within the next two years, because he'll never get as low as this again. I hope.
Long and short of it? Crosby, Stills, and Nash were right. Teach your children well. Give them rules that they can live by. And one of the rules should be this -- never allow yourself to be patronized by a movie company. And that's all Meet the Deedles is, a patronizing attempt to keep the "idiot class" at bay until summer, when they blockbusters come a-rolling in and the teenybucks come a-crashin' through the box office window. Kids, if you're out there, you're smarter than this. Adults, you should be too.
Image copyright Walt Disney Pictures.
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dead on arrival