Vital Statistics: Rob Schneider, Colleen Haskell, Michael Caton, John C. McGinley, Ed Asner
Symptoms: Rob Schneider making another movie, which is always risky. Making the love interest the beautiful castaway (no, not Mary Ann) made it a little more interesting. Two funny trailers featuring Steve Miller music and a few cheap laughs.
Doctor's Notes: Okay, here's the deal. There's no real way to sugarcoat this, so I'm just going to say it up front. Rob Schneider reminds me a lot of riding the Tea Cup ride at Disney World. It's fun for a while, then you need to go somewhere else for a while for the sake of variety. Rob Schneider is funny for about ten minutes at a time. Then you need a break from him. Leaving Judge Dredd out of the line-up, for all-too-obvious reasons, some of Rob's best performances have been in supporting roles. Having him hold a lead is like handing a five-year-old a watermelon and saying, "Don't let this slip." It's a nice thought, but, sooner or later, that watermelon's just going to be too much to hold.
This time, Rob plays Marvin Mange (get it? like in dogs -- mangy dog? mad laughter ensues), a nice guy who wants to be on the police force like his dad was. Problem is, Marvin is a loser. Dogs hate him, kids hate him, and he wets his pants every time he tries out for the police academy. Then, Marvin has a car accident, and, thanks to the local mad scientist/doctor (Caton), the law enforcement wannabe gets a set of new organs, courtesy of various animals. Yeah, animal organs into a human body. I know....
Suddenly, Marvin is stronger, braver, and can do things other humans could never do. He can run faster than a horse, he can swim as fast as a dolphin, and he can tail-dance better than Flipper. He also finds a sudden attraction for goats, has arguments with orangutans, and all sorts of assorted gross-out stuff, too. Imagine that. Gross-out humor, starring Rob Schneider, produced by Adam Sandler. The same combination that graced us with Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigolo. Amazing.
Complaining that The Animal is dumb seems awfully redundant considering the fact that Rob Schneider is the star. Basically, what we're working with is a 10-minute sketch elongated to feature length, and as we've found time and time again, that ain't gonna cut it. It constantly boggles my mind that "SNL" cast members are so anxious to break into film that they leap off the show like Michael Jordan going to the basket, and then make films that are "SNL" sketches. We've suffered through "Superstar" and "The Ladies Man" in feature length. Anyone that paid money for that Roxbury Boys movie deserves any feeling of shame they live with. I withhold comment on the Julia Sweeney "Pat" movie because I despised that character long before anyone decided it should be fodder for the film corps. David Spade apparently could only find film success with Chris Farley. And, if Little Nicky is any indication, Adam Sandler is dangerously close to slipping back to LorneLand. Rob is good as a supporting character in someone else's films, but he cannot carry a film on his own. Rob, spend some time on finding a script that challenges you at least a bit. Don't be a cash harlot. Look to Mike Myers for examples, not Tim Meadows and Molly Shannon. Mike broke out with an "SNL" character, and extended himself through his own creativity. You cannot ride the "copier guy" laughs much longer.
Tell you something else amazing: not only is Rob Schneider in this, but Edward Asner and John C. McGinley are too. Remember when Asner's name was linked with every worthwhile television project, every quality piece of TV drama? Keep remembering, 'cause in The Animal, he's seriously making a bank run. He plays the clueless police chief, and, to be honest, he looks embarrassed that he is associated with this film in any way. McGinley -- once seen in Oscar worthy projects like Platoon and Wall Street -- doesn't look much better.
And, as much as it pains me to say this, the gorgeous Colleen Haskell is not an actress. She is a wonder to behold, but she showed more acting skill when she told those other jerks on that island to "play nice" before ol' Jeff snuffed her torch. I do think she could become a better actress with some training, but jamming her into the female lead here was a mistake. I understand the stunt casting thing, and she is fun to look at, but Doc's crystal ball doesn't see a long film career in her future.
I have no doubt that there will be people that take offense to my opinion here, because there are moments in The Animal that do inspire laughter. The gross-out factor has done wonders for the Zuckers and the Farrellys, but it works for them because it's not their only weapon. Broad humor is just that -- broad. The full range of humor is involved, from subtle lines to sight gags to the cheap laughs caused by bodily functions. You hang all your money on the easy way out, you're gonna lose eventually.
Diagnosis: If you're in a dire strait and need to brainlessly kill 90 minutes, I guess you could commit some coin to this thing. Otherwise, keep your wallet shut and wait a while. It'll be on Cinemax by Thanksgiving, or on the "pre-viewed" sale table at Gary's Rent-A-Rama. Save your cash for Planet of the Apes. At least those animals will have a plot to work with....
Image copyright Columbia Pictures.
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