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I know what you're saying at first glance. "Has Doc lost his Girl Scout Cookies? He's recommending The Ten Commandments! What in the name of Tammy Faye is going on here!?" Relax, friends and neighbors. I'm not trading in my scrubs for a preacher's robe. But, folks, The Ten Commandments is a cool movie. I can't help it. Part of the reason that I bring it up is because it's almost time for ABC to run their annual showing of Commandments, the way they do every Easter season. And, partly because I think this movie is a must for anybody who admires the occasional epic. Ben Hur is great, yes, but The Ten Commandments has it beat by a long shot. Not on pure quality, but just on sheer jovial viewing pleasure. What beats them all is the incredible amount of ham acting that runs rampant through this thing. I agree that the story is one of great historic and religious importance, but I'm pretty sure nobody in The Bible ever meant to be portrayed like this. For starters, you have Charlton Heston starring. Ol' Guns 'n Moses himself, and he's in the rarest of forms here. You'll never believe a man can throw out his chest as far as Chuck does here. Unless of course, it's co-star Yul Brynner, whose chest is in another time zone from the rest of his body. Every word he says is sugar-cured, Grade A Virginia Ham, and the two of them together is bliss! THEN we add Anne Baxter into the mix as their triangular love interest, Nefertiri. Heaven help us. Watch her eyes every time Moses comes into a room. She's visually feeling up this guy with every glance! Oh, but let's not stop there. Edward G. Robinson is here as a Hebrew slave overseer named Dathan! And he doesn't wear a shirt! The horror.... He works a lot with my namesake, Vincent Price, a man for whom the term "over the top" was invented. And the gorgeous Debra Paget, sincerely portraying the virgin forced into harlotry, Lilia. And then there's her true love, Joshua, played by (get this now) John Derek -- yes, nowadays known as Bo Derek's husband -- who can't toss out a line without tilting his head righteously to the left and looking skyward to the Lord. And Sir Cedric Hardwick as the old Pharoah, Sethi, trying to be sly and cunning, all the while looking deeply upset that he had to shave his head for this role. I can't stop! HELP!!!! All that said, though, folks, this film is truly a classic. Actually a remake of Demille's 1923 epic of the same name, the 1956 version that I'm recommending here was the legendary director's last film. He passed away as filming was wrapping up, and it is rumored that his son-in-law, Anthony Quinn, directed the final set-ups. For its time, The Ten Commandments was truly groundbreaking stuff, boasting a special effect that still amazes -- the parting of the Red Sea. And, for all the emoting, Heston does give a defining and memorable performance. Brynner is as highly arrogant as he was in The King and I, and he's the perfect foil for Heston's Moses. And, yes, the Voice of God is, indeed, DeMille himself, and I leave the jokes to you on that one. I know ABC will crank this out on some near Sunday, and stretch it to four hours with commercials, but to really enjoy it, see this one uncut, so the improprieties of ads for Depends and Alpo don't interrupt the mood. Some tidbits to look for: in one scene, if you look close, you can see Moses wearing a watch. The infant Moses was played by Chuck Heston's son, Fraser. One of the multitudes of extras is future uber-producer Jon Peters (though I doubt you can pick him out of the crowd). And if you think you recognize Moses' wife Sephora, but can't remember why, picture her with white streaks in her hair, dressed like a female vampire, and think of one of the hottest electric guitar riffs to ever grace a TV theme song. And, if you're really into the camp of it all, listen for Anne Baxter to say her immortal line, "Moses, you wonderful, splendid, adorable fool!" Oh, yeah, and for those of you who like a good drinking game, grab a bottle of choice and a few shot glasses, and every time someone says Moses, have a blast. It really makes things funnier come the big dance number with the Golden Calf.
Get "reel" soon,
See past Alternative Medicine columns: A Christmas Story | To Kill A Mockingbird | I Wanna Hold Your Hand | Kingpin | Joe Versus the Volcano | The Commitments | Indian Summer | The Big Lebowski | Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man | The Texas Chainsaw Massacre | Empire Records | That Thing You Do! | The Ten Commandments | The Third Man | Waiting for Guffman
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