(Feb. 16, 2000)  Folks, folks, folks. It's that time again. Billy Crystal is thinking of words that rhyme with Spacey, Stanley Steemer's chuggin' over the red carpets, and lackeys all over L.A. are ordering cases of gold spraypaint. In short, it smells like Oscar® season.
        Yes, friends and neighbors, the final five in each category got the call yesterday morning, and as usual, there were some sure bets, a few surprises, and a face slap shouting, "Are you kidding me?!" Some heralded work got ignored, while the usual members of the "Was that a movie?" crowd got their nods. So, let the good Doctor put this list on the op table and perform a detailed autopsy.

        Let's start with Best Picture. Nothing but agreement with American Beauty and The Green Mile. Read my exam room reports and you'll see why. Pleasantly surprised that The Sixth Sense got the big nod. Usually, if the Academy sniffs the faintest scent of supernatural, they run in the opposite direction come nomination time. I only recently got to see The Cider House Rules, but I did think it was a wonderful movie. Maybe now it will actually get seen; most folks I know heard the title and thought, "Bootlegger movie." Now, about The Insider. All the hoo-rah and pontificating by CBS aside, there's not much to this, other than Russell Crowe's performance. I bet it caught a nom 'cause it looked "daring," at least by Hollywood standards, to challenge the bully pressure that CBS was trying to use to bury it. Being John Malkovich was infinitely better (and more "daring") than The Insider and deserved to be on the Best Pic ballot. And, though I wasn't surprised in the least, I held out the tiniest hope that Toy Story 2 might be rewarded with a nomination. But it had three things working against it: 1) animation, 2) digital, and 3) sequel.
        Best Actor. Heartily agree with Kevin Spacey and Denzel Washington. Russell Crowe, my thought's above. My hat's off to the Academy voters for not forgetting Richard Farnsworth in The Straight Story. A fantastic performance, even if this is a "body of work" nod. Do I even need to tell you, though, how I feel about Sean Penn being on this list? I'm not slighting ol' Sean, but with little thought I can name a handful of performances more notable than his (Murphy for Bowfinger; Hanks for Green Mile; Depp for Sleepy Hollow). I was hoping that a nom for Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense would lift him up out of the Die Hard zone forever. And finally, anyone with a pulse want to explain to me how Jim Carrey got ignored YET AGAIN for his brilliant work in Man on the Moon? The man virtually BECAME Andy Kaufman, you boneheads! You loved it when DeNiro became Jake LaMotta. You loved it when George C. Scott became Patton. But becoming someone as complex as Andy Kaufman gets nothing? Jeez.... I was, however, tickled to NOT see Matt Damon's (The Talented Mr. Ripley) name on the list. At least that publicity campaign bit the dust.
        Best Actress? Y'all wanna guess here? Hilary Swank, congratulations. You and Annette Bening gave two of the strongest performances by an actress in five years. I still can't believe Hilary Swank was that girl in the fourth Karate Kid movie. Janet McTeer, another congrats. I hope this gets more people out to see Tumbleweeds. Julianne Moore in The End of the Affair does, indeed score major points for this fantastic actress, and it sets her to slide nicely into the Silence of the Lambs sequel. Ahhh, then there's Mother Meryl. Folks, if there ever was a magic chant to get nominated for an Oscar, it's repeating Meryl's name over and over. I liked Music of the Heart. I LIKED it. In no way, shape, or form did Meryl do Oscar-caliber work in this movie. If this is some sort of reward for Arts in education, fine and dandy. Give her a plaque and let her make a speech. Don't waste the opportunity to recognize other actresses like Reese Witherspoon (Election) Emily Watson (Angela's Ashes) or particularly Winona Ryder (Girl, Interrupted) who finally broke out of her little girl mode and delivered a stunning performance.
        For once, I have no qualms with anyone nominated for Best Supporting Actor. I only wish there'd been slots for eight people instead of five. That way, John Malkovich (Being John Malkovich) Michael Jeter (The Green Mile) and Wes Bentley (American Beauty) could've harvested some glory too.
        The surprises came in a lump in the Best Supporting Actress category. I was pretty sure Chloe Sevigny and Angelina Jolie were locks. Both were top-rate and in rare form. Toni Collette was a surprise, as was Catherine Keener. Good surprises, to be sure, but surprising, all the same. Samantha Morton, well, I guess Woody's name carries some weight. He got Sean Penn into the race, and Woody always seems to get a supporting actress into the Final Five. Witness Mira Sorvino, Dianne Wiest, and Barbara Hershey if you doubt the rule. (Okay, so Barbara Hershey was a British Academy Award. You get the point.) I really thought Gwyneth Paltrow would sneak in here, for Ripley. If I had to claim a disappointment, it'd be that neither of the girls from American Beauty made the cut, most notably Thora Birch.
        I do believe we have a first in the Best Director category. All five are brand new to the Oscar race, and all five could win. Should I giggle about Anthony Minghella (Ripley) not getting in, despite another trip down "Travelogue Road"? Probably not. I would've been happier if Alexander Payne of Election had gotten Michael Mann's slot. Election was a wickedly good movie, no matter how you want to look at it. I do wish Frank Darabont had gotten more attention for The Green Mile, too.
        The Screenplay races ought to be interesting, as well. All of the screenplays written directly for the screen deserve their honors. I was kinda hoping the voters would see past all the whining and realize that Trey Parker and Matt Stone wrote the funniest screenplay of the year with South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, but, well, hoping these two would get nominated would be like praying for Pat Buchanan to chill out and smoke a joint. It was also surprising to see Steve Martin's brilliant Bowfinger not acknowledged in the proceedings. In the other screenplay race, the ones adapted from previously published material, I demand to know how Man on the Moon got ignored even for this one. You want to ignore Jim Carrey again, fine, but ignoring this screenplay is just flat out robbery. You nominate Minghella for tearing apart a good book and a great screenplay from the French version of this movie, and ignore Man on the Moon? If Minghella wins this thing, I hope Andy Kaufman is still alive, so he can wrestle him for the statue. And I hope he piledrives him right through the stage.

File this under "Insanity"

• Warren Beatty getting the Thalberg Award. Never mind the Academy ignoring my campaign to get the Universal Monster actors some credit, but giving Warren Beatty the Thalberg Award just curdled my blood. Just goes to show you what money can by. Makes you wonder if Annette Bening hasn't already got Best Actress locked up. Good publicity, having a husband and wife win Oscars the same night.

• Not only do you ignore Man on the Moon in every category, and I mean, EVERY category, you also ignore Three Kings? You managed to get Snow Falling on Cedars nominated for something, and that was the biggest nothing since they found black holes! Nobody found ANYTHING redeeming about Man on the Moon or Three Kings? I loved The Matrix. I absolutely loved it. But, do I think The Matrix deserved four chances at winning an Oscar, while these two films got zippo? Please, people.

File this under "My Revenge"

• I almost thought it was a joke, some hacker at work, when I saw that Trey Parker and Marc Shaiman got a nomination for the song "Blame Canada," from South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut. Folks, let me tell you right now. When they strike up the band for this one, it'll be the high point of the evening. Not since "Mean Green Motha" from Little Shop of Horrors got nominated have I been this up for the Best Original Song category. I hope Parker and Stone get to sing it, and that they get rawer than cement burn on a skateboarder's shin. All praise to whomever orchestrated this campaign!

File this under "Crystal Ball"

Best Supporting Actor

Best Supporting Actress

Best Actress

Best Actor

Best Director

Best Screenplay (Adapted)

Best Screenplay (Original)

Best Original Song,