Posted 9:49 AM by Dr. Daniel

Okay, friends and neighbors, it had to happen, and it finally did. As many of you may have realized by now, I have been on an extended furlough. What started out as a month-long journey to the Carribbean ended up as a quest. Chalk it up to reading Jimmy Buffett's "A Pirate Looks at 50" on the plane, I guess. Suddenly, I found myself on a quest for the best rum drink, the best cigar, and the best casino in Margaritaville. And, folks, I loved every minute of it.

Then, it happened. The Academy Award nominations were announced. Within twenty minutes, I was looking for a mule train out of the jungle and a taxi to the nearest airport...

Well, it took me a week to get home, and get my dog, Orson, out of quarentine, but we both arrived safely back in Carver Point late last night, and, after a few hours sleep and a Meatloaf Special from the Carver Point Diner, the Doctor is back in business.

Shall we start with the nominations, or, as I like to refer to them, the Pillaging of the Castle?

Let me start very simply - at the risk of getting e-mail bombed, I have to say this. Moulin Rouge being nominated for Best Picture might very well be the biggest farce since Rob Lowe sang with Snow White. If there was a just Movie God somewhere, Moulin Rouge would have gone straight to Cinemax, sandwiched between whatever boobfest Shannon Tweed has out this week and the latest Jean Claude Van Damme movie. Instead, this insipid piece of soundtrack fodder managed to con the world, and MTV's version of "The Time Machine" is now vendicated as filmmaking. Folks, keep in mind that I just spent some five months eating Central American cooking. I drank the water. And I never got sick. Moulin Rouge being listed as one of the best pictures of the year makes me sick... Amelie deserved a Best Picture nomination, not a back-burner nod on the Best Foreign Film list.... we all know it, but the voters pandering to the Dollar Sign felt otherwise, I guess...

For the Best Actor nods, I firmly agree with four of them. Crowe was a given. Denzel and Will, more power to you. Tom Wilkinson, congrats on a good job. Sean Penn, pallie, you should also be congratulated. You just got away with the biggest piece of larceny since that fat kid caught the fly ball that cost the Orioles the championship a couple of years ago. How a person gets an Oscar nomination for a film that no critic thought enough of to even say it was "good" is amazing. But, hey, you play the "Mental Challenge" card, you catch an updraft for glory. Crowe worked it, and worked it well. Everyone from Cliff Robertson to Dustin Hoffman has worked it. Penn, though, only drove it into the ground like a telephone pole. Ignoring people like Billy Bob Thornton in Monster's Ball and Guy Pierce in Memento in favor of Sean Penn is yet another unforgiveable sin that the Academy has to live with. For my money, people, Denzel deserves this award...

Same story goes for the Best Actress nominations. Whomever led the press campaign for Nicole Kidman's nomination for Moulin Rouge should be condemned to the eighth circle of Dante's Hell. She might have earned the right for The Others, but for this steaming pile of French dip? Not a chance. Halle Berry deserved it, as did Sissy Spacek. Judi Dench could not help but be nominated, given her track record here lately. To my longtime heartstring-tugger, Renee Zellweger, I offer congratulations for managing to get a nod for a comedy role. So, where's the crime here, you may ask? Where is Audrey Tautou, the star of one of the best films of the year, Amelie? I realize that, after Roberto Begnini, we were all a bit frightened of releasing another "foreigner" onstage at the show, but this girl ran circles around anything Moulin Rouge posted. And, wonder of wonders, she is REALLY French!!!! She's not "movie French," where all French people speak with English accents...

Best Supporting Actor? I really have problems with Ethan Hawke getting nominated here. Not necessarily because of his acting, but, folks, let's be straight here - in my book, if you get nominated for an Oscar, you should be in the habit of shampooing once in a while. He was okay in Training Day, but it was no screaming whoopee of a job. Same for Jon Voight in Ali. How did Gene Hackman not get one of these spots for his work in The Royal Tenenbaums? Go one better and explain to me how Steve Buscemi turned invisible after his work in Ghost World... Broadbent, Kingsley, and McKellen would have been better represented with these two beside them than Hawke and Voight. But, with Hackman not in the picture, you probably have to bet on Broadbent or Kingsley. (Not that it would have ever happened in a million years, but, personally, I would have voted for Eddie Murphy's voice work in Shrek before I went with Voight. At least Eddie's work made me laugh. Voight's makeup was the only thing laughable in Ali....)

Best Supporting Actress is probably the only category I pretty much agree with. I'm especially glad Marisa Tomei got a nomination, because this should shut all those idiots up that thought she only won the Oscar for My Cousin Vinnie because Jack Palance was too drunk to read the card right. She did great work in In the Bedroom, and, for my money, should win her second Golden Boy.

For the Best Director award, well, I was tickled to pieces that David Lynch finally got nominated for one of his freaky films. There is nothing better than getting about five beers into a twelve-pack and watching a David Lynch freaky film. Congrats for a deserving nod go to Peter Jackson for managing to pull off the impossible and make a film out of the Tolken trilogy that was understandable and fun to watch. Pete, my boy, you did what too too many wanted to do and couldn't figure out how to accomplish. Robert Altman? Bob, son, move to Ireland and shut up. Ridley Scott? A handshake for making a kick-butt movie. But, folks, it is time ol' Opie Cunningham gets a Golden Boy for his mantlepiece. Ron Howard has proven himself to be one of the best direcors in the business, and, for whatever reason, he hs never gotten the proper credit. As much as I hate the idea of giving Oscars for a body of work rather than one specific film, this one has to go to Ronnie. A Beautiful Mind is a fantastic film, and, after not winning for Apollo 13 and Backdraft, the gold has to go to Mayberry's own hometown boy.

Other thoughts and such ---

-- It's about flippin' time you decided to recognize Animated Feature Films with their own category. The shame of it is, though, the three nominated are not traditional animation. Basically, what I'm saying is this - for all the recognition animation will get, the men and women that made animation an art, through Disney, Warner Brothers, and the like will still be forgotten...

-- When is anyone going to wise up and let Dennis Miller host this thing? Granted, he stunk on Monday Night Football, but, with a crowd like this to work with, you know he would be funny...

-- One can only pray for more montages from Chuck Workman. The man makes the best movie montage specials in the business.... Let him shine on the best night of the year for it...

-- The moment I'm waiting for? I want to see Wes Anderson and Owen Wilson win the Best Original Screenplay award, just because I want to hear their speech... In truth, though, this award should be a tie. Wilson and Anderson deserve a statue, but so do the Nolan boys for Memento. Two films from opposite ends of the spectrum with near-perfect screenplays... Gotta give out two awards, people... hey, if the Olympic skaters can do it, why can't movie folks?

-- Do you people realize that, with Sting and Paul McCartney catching Oscar nods here, we have the makings for a very cool "Oscar Live" album? Sting, McCartney, Springsteen, Dylan, Beck, Elton, Collins, and, help me, Lord, even Celine Dion. Pretty nice CD, if you ask me....

-- The moment I dread worse than root canal? The inevitable "interpretive dance" sequence from Debbie Allen.... It's coming... I can feel it like my bad knee feels cold weather... Ten minutes of swaying toilet paper and gauze, to the scores of John Williams and Randy Newman... excuse me... I need Dramamine...

-- Want an early pick for Best Documentary Feature? Find out which ones were made by HBO Films... HBO is the best market right now for documentary filmmakers, and they make the best....

-- I do want to congratulate the voters in the Academy, though, for not losing their minds with Pearl Harbor or Harry Potter.... I honestly thought that Pearl Harbor would get a Best Picture nomination, not because it deserved it, but because of all the hooplah and hoo-raw surrounding it... Instead, neither got anything outside of the technical awards.... impressive, for a change...

-- And, lastly, just for the record, I am quite over the whole joke of people wearing that godawful swan dress like Bjork did last year.... I need not see Whoopi, or John Goodman, or Shrek, or anyone else wearing it... mark it down as well-tread-upon territory and get a new joke...

Okay, folks, that's it... The Doctor is back, and he's ready for anything....

Get "reel" soon,

Doc